so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
