i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
