I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
