You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
