Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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