I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
