Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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