There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
