The maid of honor just puked.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
