i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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