hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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