You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
