apparently the secret to your success is patron
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
