Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
