i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
