remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
