Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
