We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
