I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
