im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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