drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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