I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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