I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
