just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
