Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
