there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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