I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
