I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
