she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
