so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
