The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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