Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
