answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
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I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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