I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
