God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
