Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
