You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
