Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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