Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
