I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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