I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
