All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I puked a lego.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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