There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
