Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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