just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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