You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
