Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
