woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
