it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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