you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
