I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake