2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?