Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
