Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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