just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
