Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
