Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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