Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
organizing the empties. That sober.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
