I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
