I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
