i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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