gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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